


Feeling Fine

by morgana07



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awesome Sam, Gen, POV Sam Winchester, Season/Series 09, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgana07/pseuds/morgana07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1-shot. Sam’s POV as he reflects on things in the bunker & since he’s admitted to feeling fine a sudden thought also has him deciding to face one final thing left over between him and Dean from the night Lucifer was freed. *Thoughtful/happy!Sam mostly. Dean does has a cameo* SPOILERS! Set after 09x02-Devil May Care</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feeling Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Not too many in this one since I think even the language is mild.  
> Tag/Coda: 09x02-Devil May Care  
> Spoilers: Yes, so please be wary when reading even though I kept most of it spoiler free there may be some so to be cautious wait until you watch.  
> Disclaimer:I don’t own anything. It’s written for the enjoyment of fans by a fan.  
> Author Note: I don’t do a lot of 1st person POV pieces but these last two tags seem to come out in the boys voices. Hope you like Sam’s reflection and no I don’t know where that one little plot piece came from, it just hopped in there.

**Feeling Fine**

It’s a little weird to be able to say that I feel better about my life than I have in years but it seems like whatever happened after I passed out at the Church has made it a little easier to put things in perspective or at least that’s what it’s seemed like since I woke up.

Sure, we still have demons walking the earth, a Knight of Hell back after I thought I’d smoked her out of her meatsuit, Crowley in our dungeon, our former Angel friend walking around as a human and a bunch of fallen Angels so our work, on top of anything else that pops up, is cut out for us but despite all that I’m able to focus on the bigger picture.

I’m alive when I honestly thought I wouldn’t be. I have my brother and it feels good to know we have each other’s backs and not have any strain between us.

Yes, Dean does seem to be hovering a little more than usual and I’ve caught him watching me when he doesn’t think I see him but his eyes aren’t guarded and I’ve even seen my big brother give me the one smile that he hardly uses anymore.

Dean has a couple sides to his personality. The hard as nails, nothing bothers him bad-ass hunter side that most people see, the sarcastic smart ass side that a lot of people get depending on what they say to him first. Then there’s the side that very few people have ever seen. The side that usually only I’ve seen and then that’s been infrequently these past several years.

The side where my brother is relaxed enough to let his guard down, to be relaxed enough to not have his .45 on him at all times. The side where he’ll smile his real honest smile, the one that makes the also very rarely seen laugh lines around his eyes stand out more.

I’ve seen that smile more in the last week than I have in eight years and I think that’s one of the reasons I’m feeling good because if Dean’s happy then I know we stand a chance to fix this mess even if it won’t be easy.

Trying to find a way to reverse whatever happened in Heaven won’t be easy, especially since Dean and I aren’t real liked up there anymore than we are by demons in Hell. It seems we pissed off both sides more than once but we’re Winchesters and that seems to be what we do.

Another thing that I think helps my new perspective is it’s nice to know there’s another side to our Legacy than just being hunters.

I never wanted to be a hunter but a huge part of that I think now is because it was forced on me. I was bottle fed lies since I was six months old and while I understand Dean worked his ass off to make everything appear normal when we were little I think if Dad had come clean with me before I found out on my own the truth then it might’ve been better.

I might not have fought against everything Dad said or wanted from me if he’d been honest with me and if he hadn’t tried to force me to be a hunter.

Dean’s a natural at it, always has been and I guess if I am any good at it it’s because I learned from the best damn hunter in my life and that’s my big brother.

Maybe we had to become hunters because of how Mom died but it’s also nice to know there’s a choice or at least there should’ve been.

We haven’t had much of a chance to talk about Henry, Dad’s father, with everything that’s been going on but learning about the Men of Letters Legacy, about the other side of our family, has finally made me see maybe I wasn’t all that big of a freak in my family.

Dean and Dad were hunters and while I could hunt, while I will hunt, I still prefer the research side of it. I enjoy spending hours in the library here in the bunker looking through the records or cataloging things into my own order…so long as Dean doesn’t mess it up.

It gives me an odd peace to think of the two sides of my life actually mixing and feeling right about it. I feel right about hunting with my brother and knowing he’d die for me like I would for him and Kevin.

Dean and I are the only blood family each other has left since neither of us want anything else to do with Mom’s side and Dad’s side, except for Henry, is a blank but a very wise man once told both of us that blood doesn’t always mean family and family doesn’t have to include blood.

Bobby was a huge part of our lives. He was like a surrogate father and we both still miss him but Dean was right in what he told Kevin. Cas and Kevin are a part of our family and right now we need to stick together and that means we need to find Castiel before anyone else does.

Do I think Crowley is being level with us? No, but then I’ve seen him break slightly so I know there’s more to him than what he’s shown but that’s not right now.

I’ll look up the names he gave us and see where that leads us. I’ll also try to believe what Dean said about me doing more good than harm because while I might be feeling good about where I am that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have some guilt about things I’ve let happen.

It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about the night I let Lucifer out of the Cage but Tracy’s words brought it all crashing back.

The convent in Maryland, Lilith, Ruby and how lost and alone I was feeling that night. I let Lucifer free because I felt it was the only choice I had left and that was because I believed I’d lost my brother for good.

Digging my phone out I look at it before opening it to saved messages and the one message that I seem to save no matter how many phones I go through. The message I listened to right before entering the convent.

“‘ _Listen to me you blood sucking freak. Dad always said I’d either have to save you or kill you. Well, I’m giving you fair warning. I’m done trying to save you. You’re a monster, Sam. A vampire. You’re not you anymore and there’s no going back._ ’”

My brother’s voice telling me he would hunt me. I was already confused and that was what tilted things in Ruby’s favor.

Since the night of that message Dean’s never brought it up. He came to convent and didn’t leave me there. This message is still the one thing I think of when we fight really badly and I would wonder if this would be the fight he keeps that promise.

I’ve never felt the need to bring it up. I’ve never wanted to risk it but since I am feeling good about where I am in my life and how Dean and I are I decide to risk it.

Dean’s actually trying to help with the research and that’s where I find him now since I knew he wouldn’t have gone to bed. He hasn’t gone to bed before me since we got back here and I swear he won’t sleep until he knows for sure I’m settled for the night.

I love him but sometimes I think he hovers too much…not that I’ll ever tell him either of those things.

“Dean,” he looks up as soon as I speak and the smile is open and only gets a bit guarded as I hold the phone out so he can take it.

He’s giving me his confused look and I watch Dean’s face closely because while he can read me still and I’ve never been able to fully read my brother I can see when he’d rocked to the core.

The moment he hears the message his hand is white knuckling the chair. I hear him mutter the words bastards, Zachariah, feathered freaks and Holy Oil and I know.

A piece of me after it happened always wondered if someone else, Ruby or the Angels, had sent it to push my hand since I was fully considering backing out of it. As I watch Dean’s face to see the muscle in his jaw twitch like it did when he was angry and burying it I don’t even have to say anything as he turns to me with an unspoken question a second before I’m being pulled forward and hugged.

Bobby would be marking on a scoreboard the number of times in the last month Dean has actually initiated a hug but since I know to treasure any time my no chick flick moments brother hugs me I just go with it and return the gesture.

“Erase it,” Dean’s voice is deep, emotional and I hear the slight shake as he hands me back my phone; the delete option up in the menu. “That’s not the message I sent, Sammy. That is nowhere close to the message I left you that night and like I told you earlier, that night is back then…and is even more on me. Erase it and I’m sorry you’ve believed all these years that I would ever feel that way toward you.”

I hesitate only a second before pressing delete to erase the message I’ve saved multiple times as a reminder of my mistakes but when I do I feel another surge of warmth and feel the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding come out.

I feel fine about my place in the world, my place alongside my brother and now, as I shut my phone off fully and know the one final piece of that time was gone, I feel even more relaxed.

“Okay?” Dean’s beside me, his hand on my shoulder in support and I hear his concern.

It is odd that I can feel so good after all that’s happened but to know he and I are on the same page and I feel like we are really brothers again for the first time in ages and I’m at a place where I can say I look forward to waking up each morning I can nod while meeting his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I assure him and as I watch that smile cross his face I know I am and we are and that come what may it’ll all be good.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Will be working on more tags/codas for the episode in the coming days as well as other stories so stay tuned and look for me on Facebook under morgana07.


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